Apologies

When I hear people say “I make no apology for who I am” I just think “Wow, really?” What a great place to be in. To be that self assured and so at peace with who you are and the decisions you make. I, on the other hand, apologise for who I am daily, often several times a day. I am flawed and I still have so much to learn.

I apologise to the people that I glare at and mumble under my breath about in the supermarket because I am yet to master acceptance and tolerance. I can not control the idiocy of others but as I tell my children, I CAN control my reaction to them, so I apologise for my lack of tolerance and acceptance.

I apologise to my children for not really having any idea what I’m doing in this parenting gig and for losing my shit more often than I should. I believe in calm parenting, in talking things through and in leading by example – unfortunately I don’t always live up to those ideals and philosophies.

I apologise for being passionate about various topics but not knowing everything there is to know about them. I have a tendency to hit the ground running with limited information and good intentions. I do strive to learn as much as I can on topics that I’m passionate about, but there are only so many hours in each day and real life doesn’t stop just because I want to sit and read about something.

I apologise for food choices that I make, for where I buy my coffee and where those profits go, for not knowing where and how my clothes are made, for throwing out perfectly good food.

I apologise for not being the type of friend that others need me to be. Over the years I’ve learned what I need and now that I have a family I’ve realised that what I need has to come before what others outside of my family need from me or else it all falls into a heap and my family suffer.

I apologise for not being an earth warrior. For not making decisions and following through on things that will help to save and protect our earth for generations to come. I truly believe in living life this way, in our responsibility to try to undo some of the damage we have done, but I’m lazy and I’m broke and I’m more than just a little selfish. For this I apologise deeply to my children and my grandchildren and all the generations to come. I have no good excuse for this. There is no good excuse.

My list of apologies could go on for pages and pages, but at the end of the day you get the picture. I am sorry. I don’t know that I will ever be one of those people who “makes no apologies” because I will never be able to see myself as anything other than flawed. This is about the unconscious acts. It is one thing to apologise for a conscious act, but I apologise for the unconscious acts that I know are bound to be inappropriate on some level, or upset someone somewhere or cause harm – I guess it’s along the lines of the butterfly effect. I acknowledge that my actions have a wide effect, that the world is bigger than me and my immediate surroundings, so I apologise for the not so positive effects that I inadvertently cast out into the world.