Many years ago I had a discussion with a friend who was going through a bit of a ‘moment’. She was not long out of university and working her way up as a lawyer. She was upset that some of her university peers were more successful than her. I remember telling her that it was all relative. To me she was extremely successful, she was a university graduate with a double degree, she was working at a Big Five Firm and she was well respected amongst her peers and supervisors. But to her it wasn’t enough. I told her that success is different things to different people and perhaps she just needed to revaluate her definition of success, to some people just having a job is a success. We were on different pages, I couldn’t understand why she didn’t feel successful when the world was her oyster and she didn’t understand why I didn’t understand. Today I understand. Ten years & three children later and I think I understand what she meant that day.
I’ve been feeling like a failure lately. I know that realistically I have no reason to feel this way. I have three beautiful children, we have a modest house, Hubby has a job, we have food on the table and clean clothes and a house full of love. How could I possibly see that as failure? . It’s not that I see my life or my accomplishments as a failure, it’s that I see my inability to do what I’m ‘supposed’ to do as a SAHM as failure.
The problem is that I have this preconceived notion of what being a SAHM entails. I have this notion that someone in my position should love being a SAHM, she should wake in the mornings and be dressed with her hair done and make up on and breakfast all ready to go for the family before anyone else wakes. She should take the kiddies off to school and kindy and stay to help with crafts and reading and canteen duty and then trot off home to get after school snacks ready and to start preparing dinner. Between doing this and picking the kiddies up she flies around the house cleaning and tidying and keeping everything neat and tidy (obviously while the baby takes a long nap). After picking the kiddies up she heads to the supermarket to buy a few extras needed to complete dinner, all the while laughing and smiling with her kiddies, then heads home and finishes off dinner while the kiddies sit at the table and have a snack and talk happily about their day. The kiddies then skip off and play nicely with each other while she puts the finishing touches on dinner, feeds and baths the baby, makes school lunches and then dishes up dinner when Daddy arrives home. Everyone sits around the dinner table happily eating and sharing stories of their day and laughing with each other. She then baths the kiddies, reads them a bed time story, kisses them on the head and the kiddies go off to sleep. She feeds & settles the baby with no fuss. She tidies the kitchen, potters around the house finishing off a few housekeeping tasks, then takes a nice long hot bath, dresses for bed and curls up with her husband for the night.
Unfortunately for me, my reality looks more like..... Get woken up at some ridiculous hour by husband asking if he has any clean underwear. Tell him where the clothes line is. Drag my tired arse out of bed at the last possible moment, usually when the baby is screaming at me to get up. Feed the baby. Try to stay awake. Ask the boys to go to the breakfast table. Stand in the kitchen yelling to the boys to come to the breakfast table. Try to stay awake. Yell to the boys again to come to the breakfast table. Make breakfast for the boys. Go get dressed. Try to stay awake. Yell at the boys to stop messing around and eat. Go brush teeth. Yell at the boys to stop fighting. Try to stay awake. Pack school bags. Tell the boys to get dressed. Tell the boys to get dressed. Tell the boys to get dressed. Try to stay awake. Take the boys to school/kindy. Come home. Put baby to sleep. Try to stay awake. Fail. Fall asleep. Wake to postman delivering something bought online during sleep deprived state. Wonder what the hell I was thinking when ordering that! Drink coffee. Lots of coffee. Drink more coffee. Wander around the house looking at all of the housework that needs doing. Contemplate where to start. Thank God that the baby wakes and needs feeding so housework can wait. Feed baby. Continue to attempt to use The Force to get housework done. Play with baby, spend way too much time on Facebook and eBay. Pick boys up from school/kindy. Get home. Try to get baby to sleep while breaking up WW3. Break up WW4. Stand in front of fridge/cupboard trying to work out what to cook for dinner. Realise that I was supposed to go to the supermarket today. Spend 2.4 seconds contemplating taking 3 kids to the supermarket then decide on plain pasta for dinner instead. Tell everyone that dinner is ready. Break up WW5. Dish dinner up. Tell everyone that dinner is ready. Tell everyone that dinner is ready. Tell boy 1 to stop ‘looking’ at boy 2. Boy 2 refuses to eat dinner. Argue with boys about showering. Argue with boys about brushing teeth. Argue with boys about putting PJ’s on. Argue with boys about which story to read. Argue with boys about going to bed. Boy 2 is hungry. Argue with boy 2 about not finishing his dinner. Yell at boys to stop fighting and go to sleep. Yell at boys to stop fighting and go to sleep. Argue with boy 2 about not finishing dinner. Yell at boys to go to sleep. Try to settle baby. Unsuccessful. Make lunches, do dishes, tidy kitchen. Try to settle baby. Unsuccessful. Tidy loungeroom, get on Facebook. Try to settle baby. Successful. Spend way too much time on the computer or reading because it’s the only time I’ve had to myself all day. Make plans about how organised I will be the following day. Make lists of all the things I will achieve the following day. Make a list of all the food that I will buy the following day and the subsequent meals that I will prepare. Make a pact to be more proactive, energised, focused, present and organised. Realise it’s 2am. Drag my tired arse off to bed. Realise I forgot to shower. Add that to the list of things to do tomorrow. Get woken up several times by boys. Get woken up by baby, feed baby. Repeat.
So whilst I now understand my friends feelings of not being successful regardless of others view, I still maintain that it’s relative and that in order to feel successful I could just shift my perception of success. If I could just rid myself of the stupid notion of the perfect SAHM then I might just stand a chance of seeing myself as a successful wife and mother. I’ll add that to the list of things to do tomorrow.....
Define perfect, or normal. We can all find fault with what we are or aren't doing. For me at the end of the day as long as the kids are fed, clean, happy and sleeping, I repeat SLEEPING then my job is done. As for the house well that will always be there, clear a path to the important areas, make sure clothes people see are clean and you're all set. Don't be to hard on yourself, in a house with 3 kids there is always something to do, get the kids to help, make it a little comp to see who can do the neatest and fasted job, the reward is up to you.
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