Apologies

When I hear people say “I make no apology for who I am” I just think “Wow, really?” What a great place to be in. To be that self assured and so at peace with who you are and the decisions you make. I, on the other hand, apologise for who I am daily, often several times a day. I am flawed and I still have so much to learn.

I apologise to the people that I glare at and mumble under my breath about in the supermarket because I am yet to master acceptance and tolerance. I can not control the idiocy of others but as I tell my children, I CAN control my reaction to them, so I apologise for my lack of tolerance and acceptance.

I apologise to my children for not really having any idea what I’m doing in this parenting gig and for losing my shit more often than I should. I believe in calm parenting, in talking things through and in leading by example – unfortunately I don’t always live up to those ideals and philosophies.

I apologise for being passionate about various topics but not knowing everything there is to know about them. I have a tendency to hit the ground running with limited information and good intentions. I do strive to learn as much as I can on topics that I’m passionate about, but there are only so many hours in each day and real life doesn’t stop just because I want to sit and read about something.

I apologise for food choices that I make, for where I buy my coffee and where those profits go, for not knowing where and how my clothes are made, for throwing out perfectly good food.

I apologise for not being the type of friend that others need me to be. Over the years I’ve learned what I need and now that I have a family I’ve realised that what I need has to come before what others outside of my family need from me or else it all falls into a heap and my family suffer.

I apologise for not being an earth warrior. For not making decisions and following through on things that will help to save and protect our earth for generations to come. I truly believe in living life this way, in our responsibility to try to undo some of the damage we have done, but I’m lazy and I’m broke and I’m more than just a little selfish. For this I apologise deeply to my children and my grandchildren and all the generations to come. I have no good excuse for this. There is no good excuse.

My list of apologies could go on for pages and pages, but at the end of the day you get the picture. I am sorry. I don’t know that I will ever be one of those people who “makes no apologies” because I will never be able to see myself as anything other than flawed. This is about the unconscious acts. It is one thing to apologise for a conscious act, but I apologise for the unconscious acts that I know are bound to be inappropriate on some level, or upset someone somewhere or cause harm – I guess it’s along the lines of the butterfly effect. I acknowledge that my actions have a wide effect, that the world is bigger than me and my immediate surroundings, so I apologise for the not so positive effects that I inadvertently cast out into the world.

Mother Guilt

It seems the more I decide to take a proactive and contentious approach to this parenting gig and read/research various topics the heavier my cloak of guilt becomes. The hardest part is that it doesn't matter what you do or how you do it, there is always someone somewhere to tell you that you are wrong. Of course there is always contradicting research to support your efforts and tell you that you're doing the best that you can and that your child will be fine, but as Mother's we're conditioned to gravitate towards the ‘you're failing dismally' literature. Why do we do this to ourselves? Or is it just me?

I care. I am an active parent. I have a relationship with my children. I listen to them, tend to them, encourage them to be independent and strong, conscientious and kind, and yet I am constantly riddled with guilt.

It seems every time I log my computer on or activate my smart phone someone has posted or sent me a link to a blog or an article telling me how to raise my kids. The problem is that when you’re a conscientious parent and want to do the very best job you possibly can all this information is completely overwhelming. The fact that one article will completely contradict the article you read last week and started implementing doesn’t help the guilt factor or the sanity wheel either.

The beauty of this technology age is that we can share information so freely. Anyone can write about anything & post it to the internet, then anyone from anywhere can read it and share it. It’s a beautiful thing. What’s not so beautiful is that you don’t actually need to back up what you write with solid, factual information or research. Or if you do want to appear more reputable you can always find some ‘research’ on the internet to back up whatever claim you want to make. Whether that research is actually conducted and reported correctly, well who cares, it backs up your views and opinions. And that is really all there is to so much of the parenting stuff that is circulated and rammed down our throats by well meaning friends, relatives and colleagues – it’s someone’s opinion, sometimes ‘backed up’ by some dodgy ‘research’.

Of course, aside from all the reading materials there's the guilt handed out by people around us. The little jibes like "Oh, you left your baby overnight already, I could never do that" or "Oh, you let them eat that do you" or "Really, that's great that you are okay with your kids doing that". Fuck me, I'm so sick of the snide, backhanded guilt trips. It seems that once you have children it's okay for everyone to have an opinion on everything that you do, or don't do for that matter.

Parenting is a journey, it is not the destination. You don't suddenly 'arrive' once the baby does, you simply get thrown in the general direction of the path with several people pointing every which way. All we can do is hold tight and keep forging ahead. There is no surefire way & no shortcut to raising amazing children. What matters the most is that we come out the other side, albeit slightly battered and bruised but alive and mostly intact. If we did not question ourselves then we would not reflect, learn, grow, we would miss the opportunity to do things differently next time or to note the best way through the rough patches so we remember how we did it.

Welcome to the world of conscientious parenting. Mother guilt is the new black. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do there is always some dickwad with a keyboard ready to add another layer to your cloak. Fuck it. Wear it with pride.

Keep battling on soldier, you're doing an amazing job.